For 14 years I was involved in caring for my father, something I never anticipated. He died on Easter Monday, April 24, 2000.

If I had known back in 1986 what I know now about caregiving, I could have saved myself considerable worry, frustration, anger, illness and guilt. I probably would have done some things differently -- I know I would have been a healthier, more effective caregiver.

Before my mother died, she made me promise I would never live with my father (he can be very difficult.) I laughed and said "are you kidding?" but she was serious and made me promise. Little did I know.

When she died in 1986, I failed to notice I had started slipping into the role she had played in my father's life which, ironically enough, was one I could not bear for her. Gradually dad took more of my time and energy. He grew more demanding and self-centered; I often drove home in tears after sessions with him. I thought I was dealing with the situation. What I was really doing -- so I later learned -- was putting my anger and frustration aside under the guise of guilt and doing whatever he demanded. When he finally fell and broke his hip and then had a stroke two months after that (which exacerbated his dementia), I lost the ability to cope. And the worst was yet to come...the next year and half while he lived at home with a housekeeper he never left me in peace from morning till night; the telephone rang at all hours with calls like "she's stealing from me", "the police are coming", I'm locked in prison"; I didn't realize how severe his dementia was becoming.

I had kept my promise to my mother but I hadn't really heeded her warning before she died. I listened but did not hear.

My health had deteriorated to the point where I had to seek counselling and take medication. I found a support group, but too late. I had already been forced to learn many lessons the hard way, at the expense of my emotional health and my other personal relationships.

My professional life suffered a definite loss in productivity during this time. Fortunately I have been self-employed since 1992 so I was -- and still am -- able to control my time more easily. Had I had a more traditional job when I was in crisis with my father, I would have had to miss a lot of work or take a leave of absence. I certainly could not have taken on any extra work -- my concentration abilities were too limited.

My father was in a retirement home for almost nine months and then admitted to hospital with a second stroke where he was close to death from a sedative overdose. He remained in hospital for 10 weeks, waiting for a bed in a long-term care facility. He was finally relocated, another distressing reality -- for him to live and for me to witness.

He ended up living in the long term care facility for over 3 years; never would I have imagined such a path for him...or me.

I now realize that my long caregiving struggle was well worth everything I gave to it. I understand what a gift I was given when I was able to sit by my father's bed and with all the love in me help ease his passing from this world. I am a better person for being a caregiver. Best of all I never would have founded Caregiver Network, my father's greatest gift to me.

On My Mind is my attempt to describe these caregiving experiences.

I kept thinking I must have been through it all, even to experiencing what it was like when they told me to call the family in, because my father was "not going to live." The pain at times was unbearable, the lack of knowledge frustrating, the lessons never-ending. The rewards were too few. I know it could have been different.

For all these reasons I started Caregiver Network. It is my opportunity to make things easier for other caregivers and to thank the community for the support and guidance I have found.

My 20 years' business experience in marketing and communications combined with my multimedia consulting experience led me to the Internet as the ideal vehicle for Caregiver Network's information service.

I have developed and delivered seminars and courses in many different areas during my career; I would be delighted to be a guest presenter for your group to discuss my caregiving experience and Caregiver Network.

I have have developed a series of Caregiver Seminars, a quarterly newsletter and the Personal Care Binder. I co-created and produced the TV/video series "Caregiving with June Callwood" and The Complete Aging and Caregiving Resource Guide (see the home page for details).

If you need help, please contact us for more information. Our knowledge and experience are yours.