What are We Afraid of? Caregiver Fears...Rational or Otherwise by Karen Henderson When you become a caregiver, your life changes forever. You cannot recapture the past, and in facing an unknown future, you may be overcome by fear. My own experience proved I was so busy trying to be the best caregiver possible for my father, that I didn't take the time to deal properly with all the fears that were accumulating at the back of my mind. I wasn't admitting to them or talking about them. As a result, these fears become magnified; we can spend too much time facing them alone, feeling that there is no-one else out there who could really understand what it's like. It doesn't have to be like this. What are some of those fears we know too well? The fear of financial problems related to caring for a loved one...that the money will run out while at home or that there isn't enough money to even consider institutionalization, no matter how desperately needed. Fear that you'll fail as a caregiver -- that you won't be able to keep up the pace physically. How many times have you asked yourself: "How long can I go on doing this...how many more days, years, before I fall apart?" For how long have you tried against all odds to smile and say "We're managing, thank you. ?" Fear of the inability to handle the emotional stress. You finally start to understand what the stress is doing to you; you're afraid you'll never regain your original self...that person filled with energy, curiosity and optimism. Fear of having to watch a loved one's pain and suffering. Feeling helpless to stop or even control it. Fear of making the wrong care decision, leading to an unexpected outcome and the possible wrath of other family members Fear of dealing with a loved one's incontinence. Can I change my father's diapers? How does he feel when I have to do this? Fear of dementia...that your loved one will no longer be able to recognize you. Fear of aggression caused by illness; how will you deal with a loved one's violence towards you? Fear of being unable to advocate well enough, or of being unavailable the one time it really matters. Fear that your loved one's needs will be sacrificed to those of the system. Fear of seeing your own future in a loved one who is deteriorating. Fear of losing your 'self'...of becoming so involved in caring for another that your identity is lost; your needs remain neglected and unfulfilled. Fear of facing the future alone, of losing the comfort of an embrace, the assurance of unconditional love. Finally, the tremendous fear of admitting to emotions you are 'not supposed to feel'...frustration, anger, a momentary desire to strike out or to flee. All caregiver fears are real...for no other reason than they exist. Are they rational? Each of us has to decide this for ourselves; we may need help to do this. If you have trouble talking with the person you care for, talk to someone who has been there or talk to a professional. Communicate how you are feeling; learn how someone else has dealt with their fears. It's not wrong to be afraid; it goes with the territory. It is wrong to suffer alone and in silence. I have felt the blessings of caregiving...I better understand and feel compassion. I appreciate and accept my strengths and weaknesses; I am a better personnel manager, accountant, researcher and advocate. I have built up shared memories with my father that will stay with me forever. I have given back. No-one can perform the act of caring without help. Remember that we are after all only human; caregivers aren't perfect although we can kill ourselves trying. Please accept support. Remember the joy you bring to those you love and thank yourselves every day that you care. Top of page